I might survive afterall

Well, I'm not going to say how long it has been. I'm just going to continue...

Looking back over some old blogs I'm realizing that I've been fighting a losing battle. I have been absolutely miserable at my job for over three years at least. One thing right after another. Pressure and suffocation. What am I still waiting for?

I think it was a year ago this October that I had an epiphany about my job. I could leave any time I wanted. I could find another job if I wanted. For so many years I had worked for a woman that made me feel like she couldn't survive (physically or mentally) without me. I loved her very much as a friend and mentor, but I couldn't save her from herself. I realize now that I never could. It should have been up to her all along.

But I stayed anyway, feeling trapped and helpless. My position changed, my salary decreased by about 45%. I thought I was going to die... and I didn't... go figure. We (me and my family) figured out how to live on less (for the most part)... and we have survived.

Well, even after learning all I've learned, I still made mistakes, and they finally caught up to me. I was once again moved to another department and my income was reduced even lower... and I think it's the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I'm ready for the next adventure. My cords have been cut. I am free to do whatever I want.

Feeling Better

I'm feeling better today, although I'm still lolly-gagging around when I should be getting to work!

I had an interesting talk with my boss yesterday. It's weird to call her my boss, because I've known her for twenty years, and she's only three years older than me... but I digress... I can't tell her how much she has helped me this last year, because even though it's genuine, it sounds mushy and over-the-top when repeated. But she really has. Her no-nonsense compassion, her direct and honest opinions, and her compliments have really been refreshing and different.

I lived for 36 years with a wonderful, encouraging, thought provoking, yet surprisingly controlling mother who I absolutely adored without realizing she was only human. I worked with a woman for 19 years who had very much the same pull on me, only to find out her fear of life or the unknown outweighed everything else, including my security. I feel very foolish for letting her control me so long.

It's been hard to find my own way without both of my compasses, even as unhealthy as they were. That's why I so appreciate my new boss. Every time I forget I can do it on my own, she is there to remind me, in one way or another. It's kind of funny actually, because I've made some careless mistakes recently, just not slowing down enough to see things through properly, and even though I deserve a good reaming, and get one... she says things she doesn't realize mean the world to me. What stood out in our last conversation was: It would be different if you were new and just learning how to do this, but you've done it so long, and in some cases are the only person who knows how to do it, and you do it so well, I don't understand the mistakes... In my insecurities, I picked up and ran with "you do it so well". Even when I'm getting a very deserved criticism, I'm still appreciated.

That's all we ever want... is to be appreciated... makes me want to slow down and pay better attention.

Interpret This

I had the strangest dream last night. Actually it was early this morning, just before I woke up. I remembered it really well this morning, but not so much this evening, but I'm going to try to put it done.

I dreamt that my mother was alive again (I've done that a lot since she passed in 2008), I kept wondering if she was sick, but thinking, no she can't be. She's already died once, she has to be better the second time around. I gave her a hug when I said good bye, something I didn't do too much, because it hurt for her to be touched. When I kissed her on the cheek, she said, "Don't worry, you don't make me cry anymore. You don't make me cry." I have no idea what that meant, but then the dream changed.

I was outside, and my purse was laying flat on a slab of concrete. A woman came up to it, looked longingly, like she wanted to take the bag and run, but decided against it. I went up to her and told her because she did the right thing, God would not condemn her. This is something I would never say, at least not in that way. She kind of huffed and said something about not believing in God's condemnation (I can't remember exactly now), and I just said, "well I believe it".

Then the dream changed again. My mom was healthy and on her feet, watching my kids again, along with a baby daughter I never got to see (I only have two boys in real life). I was late for work, it was almost 11:00, but I realized I don't get to see my infant daughter ever, so I found where she was napping. Come to find out she was almost two years old. She talked to me a little, but didn't call me mommy. She could say daddy, but when I asked her can you say mommy, she said "no".

My uncle says dreams are a way of your subconscious dealing with your everyday stress even while you're sleeping. He's pretty good at this interpreting stuff. I'm not sure what he would think about this one, but I'd like to pick his brain a bit.

Thinking too hard

I'm doing it again. I'm thinking too hard. I hate it when I do that, but it can't be helped. It's how I'm built. I discovered I can let go of things. It happened last October, I think it was... I had been holding onto the last year so tightly that I couldn't breathe anymore. I cried more than I laughed. I was a functioning wreck. Then it just hit me one day. I was at the bottom of my barrel, in the pit of my despair, at the end of my rope... let me see how many more cliches i can work into this blog. I was bawling my eyes out to a friend at work. I told her I didn't even feel like going to church anymore. She told me I needed to go to church, so I did. I bawled on the shoulder of a friend at church, who told me I needed to talk to the doctor about increasing my anti-depressant, so I did. That and the wonderful sermon I got that morning about leaving the mountain behind and heading into the promise land is what it took for things to click for me. It was so liberating when I was able to let it all go. Things started falling into place.

I'm stuck in a slump for the moment. I'm sure it will pass, but I'm waiting right now, and it's so hard to wait. I made a mistake at work last week. Something out of the ordinary, but still should have caught. I don't realize how fragile my sanity is until it's tested. I had a minor breakdown. Thankfully the bathroom was empty. I didn't have time for a major breakdown because I still had to pass out checks, and it was past time to do that.

I hate making mistakes, especially stupid ones. I hate not being able to get stuff right the first time. For a long time I thought it was a confidence thing, and maybe it is, but I'm beginning to think there is something seriously wrong with me.

I can't stand up to authority. I never could. So many things I wish I had said to a boss of mine, or told her she was wrong... but I never did.

In writing, I can't seem to take a critique without totally rewriting my entire story to fit just that critique.

I'm puddy for whoever want to tug and squoosh me, whether I want to be or not.

I can't say NO, except to my husband and my children, and even then I don't mean it most of the time.

I'm a people pleaser. Always have been. I do better about thinking of myself than I used to, but not by much. I'm not happy unless everyone around me is happy, or at least happy enough.

Writing doesn't even give me as much pleasure anymore. I keep wondering why I'm even trying...

Too deep for me

I'm going to pretend that this isn't a new entry to a very old blogspot. It's three years later and there are so many different things going on, but everything seems pretty much the same. I've done some major growing up since I first blogged. Some good and some bad. If I had it to do all over again, I would have ran for the hills and never looked back! Of course with my family in tow...

It's been good, it's been bad, it's been very bad, and then it's been good again.

Life is truly what you make it and I've been treading water far too long. I don't want to come back here in another three years and realize I haven't done anything new.

You know that fantasy I was working on? Well, I'm still working on it. I did send it to a publishing company and recieved my first ever rejection letter. As far as rejection letters go it was a really good one. They gave me some areas to work on, and I'm on my 5th or 6th rewrite. I've lost track.

I have a writer's conference to go to at the end of this month. I AM PROCRASTINATING big time. There is an editor that's going to be there that likes fantasy, and even says to bring a 1 page synopsis. I could so totally do this, but I'm really leaning toward sticking my head in the sand. I'm feeling it, so I might as well admit it.

What is my worst fear? Failure.
What is my second worst fear? Success.

Disect that one for me.

I want to believe all the stuff that I spout, and I do believe it, but then again, it's easier said than done. It's so easy to let fear paralyze you. Just freeze and pray that it's over quickly. But then again, I could just pray to see it through... God has answered so many prayers for me. This really isn't any different, and yet it's my life... my whole inner being... if I just hang on to the dream and not do anything with it, than I still have it... but if I do something with it, then I have to come out of my shell and expose myself to the world.

I've had enough exposure to last me a life time, thank you very much... yet, this is different--and better.

There is nothing to fear, but fear itself... isn't that the truth.