No turning back

I did something the other day that has opened the floodgate of acknowledgement and it wasn't nearly as terrifying as I have made it out to be all these years.

I have bugged every living soul at my work about my NANOWrimo contest this month, which I'm ahead of schedule by the way... 32,914 words to be exact. One friend in particular passed the info along to another I'm not much acquainted with, and when he asked me a literary questions, he said, "You're the writer, what do you think?" It was such a small moment, but oh so big, so very big. Huge. Enormous. Wonderful.

My cat is out of the bag. I will cherish that moment for a very long time.

It has been very difficult for me to even admit to myself that I could be a writer. Only my closest friends were in the "know" for so many years, and even then it was difficult to let them read what I wrote.

Growth!!! I'm showing growth!!! The mama bird has kicked her chick out of the nest and guess what!?! She figured out how to fly. :)

What makes this even more incredible for me, is the fact I was finally able to share it with my friends at church. That sounds kind of odd, I know, but it is a hangup I have had for a very long time. Nothing that they did of course, it was all me. (It usually is) I just never felt secure enough to bring it up, and one day I realized they didn't know me well enough to know to ask. But that wasn't their fault. I didn't let them know me... isn't that funny.

ANYWAY, my Sunday School teacher asked if anyone had any prayer requests or praise reports. No one said anything. He then asked, "Has no one had anything good happen to them this week?" I believe that was God's way of nudging me along. I spoke up and told them about my writer's group and the NANOWrimo contest. My teacher is actually a published author, which has been one of the reasons I've held back, silly I know, but that's the way it is... I think he was the most interested of all :). It as wonderful, and so liberating.

Even my mom has gotten on the bandwagon. Actually, my parents have always been there, just in their quiet ways. But she has made an effort to ask things like, "So, did you get any writing done?"

Warm and fuzzy is all I can say. This is a very good day.

Many a moon

It has been many a moon since I last dropped a line here. I love the way that sounds. Many-a-moon. It sounds old fashioned and weathered. Plus, I think it really describes how I feel at this moment, because it has been a while since I've blogged anything. Not that I have to catch up or keep track or meet a certain quota, but I feel like I've neglected it, and I always feel bad about neglecting things.

I have resisted the urge to blog, because I know I should be harnessing all my energy into the NANO WriMo 2006 contest. Blogging is not the only thing I'm neglecting. I haven't really participated with my critique group. While I have lost 30 lbs. since January 2006 (yeah!), I have not been keeping up with my Sparks People website. In fact, I feel guilty taking the time to do my check book on line, knowing I should be writing instead. My mother is wanting me to do some name doilies for her for Christmas presents, and her list keeps growing.

How pathetic does that sound? The funny thing is, I'm still having trouble getting words down on paper, and I'm finding alternative means to procrastinate. So all the neglect is really not doing my any favors!!!

I have a game-plan.

1) When I get done with my contest (which I am doing pretty good at. I hit the 20,000+ word mark last night) I'm going to focus on critiquing for the month of December. I have some really great critiquers that have done a bang-up job helping hammer out my corrections, and I need to reciprocate.

2) I'm going to re-evaluate the need for Sparks People. I feel I'm on the right track, so I don't need to track things so agressively. While I haven't lost any weight this last week, I have maintained very well. In fact, even though I can't see it in the mirror, I'm actually getting into clothes I could wear last year!

3) As for the doilies. They do not take very long, but it is difficult to meet my mother's standard at times. I do feel apprehension about the whole process. I'm just going to have to make a list, and do the best I can. Doilies are a silly reason to have an anxiety attack.

4) Something I hadn't mentions previously... I want to take an online writing course... fear of the unknown!!!!!!! I would say more, but I feel anxiety coming on even as I type.

So, I don't really know if it has helped to put this down into words, but here it is. It may be a while before I have time to groan again, so until then... Keep me in your prayers and God Bless...

What else is new?

Okay, so I've been on the computer for almost 30 minutes and I still haven't done what I need to do. I'm dawdling. What should I be doing? I should either be proofreading my first story or working on the notes for my next one. But instead, I'm here. Oh well, at least I'm typing :).

I've decided to do a writing course. The author of the book I have has an online writing course, based on the book. I have tried to google to see if there is anything negative out there about it, and I can't find anything. That's a good sign. The website seems pretty sensible, not over the top, if you know what I mean. It is a little expensive, but not nearly as expensive as another I looked at a few years ago. I feel really good about it.

Why now? Well, I've been working on this story for at least 4 years... Although I didn't track it from the very beginning, I have a rough timeline, and I think 4 years is being very liberal. I finished! Woo-whoo for me! Right? Someone told me now the real work begins. Boy! They weren't kidding!

I love writing. I have wanted to be a writer since I was 8 years old. I have all sorts of stories in my head, been there for years :). Now that I am 30-something ;), I have finally done it. I have completed a manuscript.

I knew the critiquing would be difficult (but helpful). Problems I never even heard of arise everyday. First it was POV (Point of View). Then it was said-bookisms. That's right, bookisms. What the @#$%^ is a bookism? Exactly. I'm in a really good critique group, and they like my story. It has a lot of potential. Which doesn't mean a whole lot if I don't learn how to write. Really learn how to write.

Thus, my decision to take a writing course.

Gray and Cloudy

It was a gray and cloudy day yesterday. The wind was strong and crisp. It had a bite to it that wasn't there a week ago. I watched a swarm of birds out my back window as they settled into the huge tree in the backyard behind ours. You would think a day like this would be down and dreary, but it was actually very good day.

The boys spent the night at grandma's house last night (yeah for me!). I went to work early this morning and not only got a lot of work done, but I got the overtime in that I was wanting (yeah for me, again!).

I made my first attempt to make banana pudding. I was over at my mom's house, and no one was home yet, so I had to fend for myself. My mixing bowl was too small, :) which was kind of funny when the pudding started to set. (It was trying to rise over the top of the bowl) :) I almost put it in a pan that was too small, but luckily I found a bigger one. I'll let you know how it turns out tomorrow. :)

I did overdo it a bit, because I got a heavy headache later in the day. The kind that makes you want to sleep the rest of the day. Well, instead of sleeping, I took a hot hot bath with bath salts and lavendar, and finished reading Sense and Sensibility. Ahhhhhhhhhh is all I can say.

I balanced my check book, paid some bills, and now I'm here. I figured if I'm going to write down my bad days, I need to add my good days, too.

Change - Mixed blessing

Okay, so yesterday was a little forelorned and melancholy... Today hasn't really been much better except for the fact that even though negative thoughts keep trying to take over my concentration, I'm actually being very productive today. I'm still losing weight. My scales haven't been this friendly to me in years! I'm taking half a day off to spend with my kids, who are also going to spend the night at grandma and grandpa's house. I get to have pizza for lunch. (don't worry, I'm stopping at 2... 3 at the very most ;) ) My husband is balanced. (that's a big relief)

Change. That's what it is. I'm adding new things into my life, and it's changing the status quo. Change does it to me everytime.

Even through all of my heaviness, I have to admit that it's not really bad at all. I have to do some rescheduling. I have to stop procrastinating. I have to let myself rest. I had a little taste of this yesterday (without even realizing it) and I was able to do everything I wanted last night, including getting in some overtime... So, it has to be the Change-Thing. That always makes me so nervous, even when it is change for the good.

It makes me feel better to give it a name... Go figure.

Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed doesn't begin to describe what I'm feeling right now. I have too many irons in the fire, but I don't know which one to take out first.

I have my everyday struggle of family life. I do stretch myself thin where they are concerned, but I have to make sure they are taken care of. I worry about getting enough overtime at work to meet the budget at home. It's not whether I can find the work, it's being inspired to do it, because I'd rather be doing something else. A lot of people depend on the work I produce in order to do their jobs. Sometimes it comes at me all at once and by the truckloads. Everything has to be done right now, and I don't even know where to start.

I teach a class at church on Wednesday night, which is going extremely well, but is starting to take up more of my time and energy. I enjoy being with the girls (they range in age from 8 to 12), and we can really have fun sometimes. But it does drain me. I'm exhausted when I come home and I feel it all the next day.

I finished a manuscript that is currently being critiqued by a group. There are so many feelings here, I can't even begin to describe them. I thought I knew so much about writing. The longer and further I get into this, the more I wonder. "I have potential" "this could really be something if you work at it" do this - do that. I feel like I'm back in school. This is easily a full time job. After working all day long, coming home, figuring out what to do for dinner, spending time with my family, the last thing I want to do is go through these suggestions, thinking harder than I have all day. It's like studying for a test I KNOW I'M NOT PREPARED FOR.

I want to participate, and have already signed up for NANOWriMo 2006 which starts next month (November). To write a 50,000-page novel in 30 days, you should average 1,667 words a day. That's at least 2 hours of straight typing, and the thought of that right now, when I don't even have the story outlined is mind numbing. My brain literally hurts.

So, what do I conclude from this tirade? Is all of this stuff worth it. YES. Why? Because I'm doing stuff for myself, something I haven't really focused on in the last 30 years. But I'm still trying to juggle everything else. Instead of letting go of some things to replace them with stuff for myself, I just pile it on. Don't even get me started on my approval issues (making sure everyone else is happy)... which is raring up its nasty little head, making me feel even more stressed.

I just thought of something Dr. C, my counselor, use to ask my ALL THE TIME. What makes you think you have to carry the whole world? I'm slipping back into that place again, Dr. C... Okay, so what can I let go of?... I'll have to sleep on that one a while, and get back to you.

Making Mountains out of Mole Hills

I just hate making mountains out of mole hills. I'm going to have to make myself a chart or a gauge to rate situations. Mountain on one end and Mole Hill on the other. Maybe I can list the criteria that would signify one over the other. Because where I'm sitting right now, I just came down off of a very big mountain... we're talking Kilomanjaro... and looking back over my shoulder, its starting to look like a mole hill.

I don't like to get sucked into drama. Drama has the appearance of a mountain, but in reality is nothing but a mole hill. That being said, if I rate my latest situation on a scale of 1 to 10... (thinking)... (still thinking)... you know what... it was a mountain, probably not Kilomanjaro... but at least somewhere in the Rockies :).

Maybe mountains look like mole hills after you've climbed them... because the further you walk away (letting it go) the smaller it gets, until it disappears off the horizon.

NANO WriMo 2006

I'm going to participate in NANO 2006 (November is National Novel Writer's Month) this year. It is a contest to see if you can write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. (Nov 1 to Nov 30). It is quantity not quality, and the prize is bragging rights.

I have a few ideas, actually just two... but a third one is trying to creep up. I need to get some outlining down, so I have a guideline to work from. I've been rolling over some ideas in my head, but I just haven't put anything down on paper.

I signed up for it last night, so it's official. I am doing it!

Today

Today I am in the middle of a fibro attach. I'm not depressed, but I feel down. My neck is killing me, and other parts of my body seem to be following: my shoulders, my arms, my stomach muscles, my back...

Today is Monday. I think that speaks for it's self ;)

Today does not look very promising. I don't want to get around and get ready. I've already fought with my children. (my youngest is a picky eater -- I wouldn't say the pickiest in the world, because I've met the pickiest, but he can give them a run for their money)

Today I just want to go back to bed and sleep, but then that would make tomorrow the first day of the week, which will put me in the perdicament, if I maintain this mentality.

Today, today, today. Why today? Why not?

I know everything is a choice. I don't have to wallow in my whinyness. But I'm too tired to do anything else! (make sure you read that with a whine in your voice ;))

It is not today's fault that I won't go to bed before 11:30 p.m. (darn) It's not today's fault that I've fallen off the healthy bandwagon and been eating junk more frequently. (darn it, again) It's not today's fault that I have too much work, and don't get it done because I'd rather be on the computer. (This is getting irritating) It's not today's fault. It is mine. (fine, be that way)

So what do I do? Changing my attitude is the first step. Getting to bed earlier is a good idea. Balance work and play and family is a good idea. Choose to stop procrastinating. (not always easy, but can be done)

So, I hurt, I'm tired, I have a lot to do today... I hurt, I'm tired, I have a lot to do today... oh wait, I already said that... I think I'm going to get a sweet tea from McDonald's on the way to work, and maybe a yogart parfait... I'm going to pick up some paint supplies and do a project with my kids tonight... I think I'm going to give my husband room to have his own bipolar fit and choose not to let it get me down any more than it already has... I think I'm only going to control what I can control today, and that is me.

Big or Little Pond?

Isn't it funny how you can be a big fish in a little pond and turn around to end up as a little fish in a big pond? I'd rather be one or the other. NOT BOTH. Yet, I am both. I guess we all are to a certain degree, whether anyone else admits it or not.

To be a big fish in a little pond would be the better of the two... although that is an awful lot of power for one person to juggle, and all those cliche's would also apply: "the bigger they are, the harder they fall", "absolute power corrupts absolutely", okay so those are the only two I can think of right now, but you get the point.

Being a little fish in a big pond use to appeal to me... USE TO. Sometimes I think (if only for a milisecond) that low self-esteem is easier to live with than confidence. Weird, huh? With low self-esteem you don't have to worry about trying, you are too afraid to. If you don't try, then you can't fail... of course the depression that goes with it is no picnic...

I don't really even know what I'm saying. I wouldn't take back my low self-esteem for $40,000,000 dollars (sounds like a nice round number). I was tired of being a doormat. I was tired of giving, giving, giving, and not getting anything back. I was tired of not being able to say NO. I was tired of crying and overeating and crying and overeating and crying... you get the point.

The funny thing is, I'm still a little fish in a big pond... just from a different perspective...

I am happier now... but that emotional hold still creeps back in, so does the depression. Sometimes I don't know how to have a good time, and that does make me kind of a nudge (I love that word).

On top of that... do you know how much harder people try to knock you down when you are standing taller? Sure, confidence helps you get back up faster, but I don't know of anyone who likes to fall flat on their butt, no matter how fast they pick themselves up again.

Yes. Yes. Life lessons help you grow... what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger... blah, blah, blah... I feel more like saying Why am I here? What was I thinking? What do I do now? Is it really worth working this hard? Do I really want to do this? The answer is YES, YES, YES, NO, NO, YES, YES, NO, MAYBE, YES, NO, YES, I DON'T KNOW, YES?

I liked the little pond because I know myself there. I know all the people there. I know what I'm doing. I look smart. I look like I have it together, because I do have it together. People depend on me, even appreciate me. It's easy.

The big pond is so much different, changing from moment to moment. I don't know if I should swim or float, dog paddle or back stroke. I think I know myself. I know some of the people. I feel like I know what I'm doing, but the corrections come more frequently... and harsher, I might add. I don't look so smart. I dont' feel like I have it together. People still depend on me, and demand I rise to the occasion, when I don't really know what the occasion is. The appreciation comes at a price. It's uphill all the way.

Which one is better? In the little pond I'm content, but there's no room for growth. I think it's okay to visit every once in a while, but I can't stay if I want to really live. Somehow that's not very comforting. As a friend of mine would say, "It's not supposed to be comforting. If life wasn't hard, we wouldn't want to live it anyway."

You know my first paragraph is wrong. I don't think I can be one without the other. I need a little bit of both to stay balanced... huh... who would of thunk... But if I do have to pick, I will have to pick the big pond. I get tired of just swimming around in circles. I need some loop-dee-loos every now and again... huh... who would of thunk...

Bird watching

I love this picture. A very good friend of mine lives in Romania. She and her husband moved there this year and plan on being there for at least two years. She is a counselor working with Heart and Hope. She has felt a calling to work with foster kids and single mom's. I know she's good at what she does too!

Good thing for me she's a picture taker! This is just two of a BUNCH, and I love them all :) The ones with the pigeons are my favorite. I don't know why. I think maybe because they remind me of the bird lady in Mary Poppins. (Feed the Birds is my favorite song in the movie... it always makes me want to cry) Can you even say that title without using the inflection Dick Van Dyke used in the movie... Mary POPpins... I think this is in the middle of town square in Sibiu, Romania.

Words like "Thither"

I overselpt this morning, which sounds funny because I got up at 6:30 :) Instead of getting ready for work, I fixed a little breakfast and sat down to try my hand at this blogging thing.

I'm reading Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibility. I just recently finished Pride and Prejudice. It's my first time to read either book. I have both on DVD (I actually have 3 versions of P&P), but could never get into the books. Remember the scene from You've Got Mail where Kathleen is telling Joe about Pride and Prejudice... she reads it every year... gets lost in words like thither... then as you see him reading, he puts it down to shake his head in frustration, only to pick it up and try again and again :) I love that scene, and it pretty much describes how I felt about reading it the first time I attempted it.

I know I love the story and ALL the characters, but I just couldn't get through her writing style. I realize it is at least 200 years old, maybe more... But I could read Jane Eyre with very little difficulty... of course that was quite a bit later...

In the process of finishing my first manuscript, I've been reading on again and off again this wonderful book about writing... In doing so, as I sat and read P&P (getting tired of spelling it out) it was diffcult to follow because the writing style so SO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT than what is published today.

Well, I finally got over myself and finished P&P and YES I love the story. I love the characters. I love Mr. Darcy even more. I even found out his first name! My favorite bit in the book was at the end. I've only seen them put this scene in one version of P&P, which was actually the latest version starring Kyra Knightly (Hope I spelled that right!) and it's where Darcy asks for Elizabeth's hand in marriage and her father has that wonderful talk about respecting your mate. In the book, (and latest movie) she tells her father that it was Mr. Darcy's doing that save her sister Lydia from a fate worse than death... Now, I joke about having "closure issues", but I am a person who likes to see things wrapped up whenever possible. This scene totally did it for me. :) Because up until then, I always thought Elizabeth was the only one who knew. I really like the fact she shares it with her father.

Sense and Sensibility has been much easier to read. :) After this, I'm going to find Persuasion...

Here we go

Because I don't have enough to do, I decided to start a Blog!!! This should be interesting. I may never get any work done ever again ;).

I have two major tasks I am working on right now:

1) Losing weight (I've lost 16 lbs, and only have another 120 to go!) and
2) Finishing my first novel.

Nothing big. Only major life changes... That's all ;)