Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed doesn't begin to describe what I'm feeling right now. I have too many irons in the fire, but I don't know which one to take out first.

I have my everyday struggle of family life. I do stretch myself thin where they are concerned, but I have to make sure they are taken care of. I worry about getting enough overtime at work to meet the budget at home. It's not whether I can find the work, it's being inspired to do it, because I'd rather be doing something else. A lot of people depend on the work I produce in order to do their jobs. Sometimes it comes at me all at once and by the truckloads. Everything has to be done right now, and I don't even know where to start.

I teach a class at church on Wednesday night, which is going extremely well, but is starting to take up more of my time and energy. I enjoy being with the girls (they range in age from 8 to 12), and we can really have fun sometimes. But it does drain me. I'm exhausted when I come home and I feel it all the next day.

I finished a manuscript that is currently being critiqued by a group. There are so many feelings here, I can't even begin to describe them. I thought I knew so much about writing. The longer and further I get into this, the more I wonder. "I have potential" "this could really be something if you work at it" do this - do that. I feel like I'm back in school. This is easily a full time job. After working all day long, coming home, figuring out what to do for dinner, spending time with my family, the last thing I want to do is go through these suggestions, thinking harder than I have all day. It's like studying for a test I KNOW I'M NOT PREPARED FOR.

I want to participate, and have already signed up for NANOWriMo 2006 which starts next month (November). To write a 50,000-page novel in 30 days, you should average 1,667 words a day. That's at least 2 hours of straight typing, and the thought of that right now, when I don't even have the story outlined is mind numbing. My brain literally hurts.

So, what do I conclude from this tirade? Is all of this stuff worth it. YES. Why? Because I'm doing stuff for myself, something I haven't really focused on in the last 30 years. But I'm still trying to juggle everything else. Instead of letting go of some things to replace them with stuff for myself, I just pile it on. Don't even get me started on my approval issues (making sure everyone else is happy)... which is raring up its nasty little head, making me feel even more stressed.

I just thought of something Dr. C, my counselor, use to ask my ALL THE TIME. What makes you think you have to carry the whole world? I'm slipping back into that place again, Dr. C... Okay, so what can I let go of?... I'll have to sleep on that one a while, and get back to you.